GayNZ.com writer Jacqui Stanford
is embarking on one of the most exciting and challenging journeys of her life
so far â becoming a mum! Over the next while she will share some aspects of
her pregnancy and being a lesbian mum. But donât worry, she'll leave out the icky stuff!
Seeing our baby at an ultrasound for the first time is one of the most astounding experiences of my life so far. Pregnancy hormones donât help, but I was a mixture of laughter, tears and wonderment as my wife gripped my hand and we watched our little one wave their perfectly formed arms around like they were having an in-utero dance party.
We got a wave, and we melted.
Itâs been 12 weeks of walking on air and I nearly lifted off that ultrasound bed in complete light-headed joy.
My wife Dee and I have both always wanted to have children. Long before I figured out I was a lesbian I always knew I wanted to be a mum. Coming out never changed that. Nor should it (I refer you to the wise words of Nigel Latta). Married for a couple of years now, we talked out the logistics long and hard. At the start of this year I was on the cusp of turning 32 and we decided weâd make a start.
While Dee will tell people sheâs âjust that goodâ insinuating some kind of Immaculate Conception, we of course organised a donor, read up, and just gave it a go. Miraculously, and perhaps thanks to coming from a line renowned for its fertility, we were successful on the very first attempt.
Those initial weeks stretch like winter. You never want to get your hopes up, but we did. We tried the early tests, which donât really work, but got one hopeful positive. And I just felt different. A very long month in and five positive tests in a row (just to make sure!), it was real.
We were luckily able to whip off to a perfectly-timed trip
to Waiheke for a few days to try and soak it all in.
We both know we are among the lucky ones. We have friends who have been trying for months, at great expense, and our hearts go out to those for whom it hasnât been so easy. It really does.
Doubly lucky, Iâve also managed to avoid morning sickness. The hallmarks of my pregnancy so far have been an unending yearning for apples and being a zombie of tiredness.
Both of us have been innately calm. We are changed. I have completely lost any tolerance for bullshit, and silly things which used to matter simply donât. Dee feels completely and utterly connected to our baby and is even more protective than ever. There have been nights of waking up thinking âOh my god I am really going to be a mumâ but any minute worry is overcome by excitement and love, and the knowledge that we will just figure anything out.
Twelve weeks in, with an amazing ultrasound and the chance to finally tell more people than our closest friends and family, it finally feels truly real that we are bringing a new life into the world. Itâs been surreal till now.
But seeing our little one, so tiny, so perfect, from their little
legs to their button nose, we are in hopelessly in love.