Family Matters
How do I relax my arse?
By GayNZ.com
8th June 2006 - 12:00 pm

Martin of Auckland writes:

I have always found it difficult to relax my bum sufficiently to get fucked, and lately I can't take a cock without having a few puffs on a joint beforehand. I'm worried that I am now totally reliant on dak to have serious sex. Whatcan I do?

Bill comments:
One of the things my Daddy told me when I was very young—he was actually trying to prepare me for a heterosexual adult life, but nevertheless I've found it invaluable advice—was “Never put your willy anywhere you haven't first put a finger.”

Take it SLOWLY. The top in the situation inserts one finger gently, and massages the wall of the anus before inserting a second finger, and then carefully and slowly twists the fingers and moves them apart, playing and stretching the anus. As soon as there is a feeling if discomfort, stop until the discomfort stops, and then proceed. This whole process can be a highly pleasurable element of sex. Possibly you'll never get on to penile insertion, and that is fine, but when eventually you do, you'll almost certainly find that it is painless. Of course this requires communication between the top and the bottom—but the instructions from the bottom can be quite hot.

Playing with dildos, starting small and working up, is also helpful—and allows for solo training of the anal sphincter.

The problem is that inexperienced anal muscles easily go into spasm causing considerable pain, and marijuana or amyl and other recreational drugs are ONE way to control that. Deep breathing is also helpful. And so, for many of us, is real intimacy with our partner. But many gay men find that plenty of preparatory digital stimulation before anal sex is all it takes. And over time it often becomes less necessary, but, perhaps, no less pleasurable.

What remains necessary however, is the use of a condom for anal sex! Please don't forget, Martin!

A book to look at is Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin. And two good articles are “Advanced Anal Sex Techniques” and “Ten Rules of Anal Sex”, see the links below.


Guest advisor Jay Bennie comments:
While marijuana is well known as a physical relaxant it is probable that much of your inability to relax your ass is due to your head space... you have perhaps got it into your mind that you cannot relax without lighting up and that becomes a self-fulfilling mental block.

You can relax, your anus is physically capable of it, you just need to re-programme yourself around that mental block. Treat yourself to a few solo sessions and get to know your arse... a warm room, comfy bed, lots of juicy lube, relaxing music and inspirational videos. Get to know your ass, intimately. Lots of men are coy about fingering themselves "back there" but who better than you to explore and experiment.

Play around a bit as you wank... experimenting with depth, and width, and both. When you're ready for a dildo start with a slim one and experiment some more. Get to know what works for you, find out what works for you, physically and mentally. Remember it's not just a physical process. A turned on, raunched up mind is going to send down more relaxing signals than a nervous, uptight one.

If fear of a dirty ass weighs on your mind purchase a simple douche kit from a pharmacy or adult store and flush out gently with warm water before getting in there, or letting someone else in for that matter.

Get to know your arse and its preferences just as intimately and frankly as you know your cock and what it likes. Then you'll know what you and any sex partners need to do to to both get pleasure from your ass.