If you haven’t found it yet…

February 14, 2014 in General

Well, I’m 30. The big 3.0. At this stage in life, many of my friends are in serious relationships, getting engaged, married, having kids, buying houses. I’m single, no kids and still renting. But am I jealous? Strangely not. Finding someone, or rather, someone finding me would be nice if it happened but I’m by no means under any illusions or holding out for a hero anymore. After experiencing enough rubbing my heart with sandpaper looking, I felt a lot better once I decided to let go of that and just ride the winds of change, I’m a leaf on the wind. Anyone who knows the Sci-Fi reference gets a pony*. (*not a legally binding offer)

I don’t want to just settle down and marry someone just because it’s the done thing, because society has created a certain expectation or worse – if someone asks you in front of other people, that you are afraid to say no because it doesn’t feel right. I think if you are going to say yes, you should do so because you want to, because you really want to. Do it because you cannot imagine not doing it. Do it because the thought of getting to spend the rest of your life in the company of that special person fills you with so much joy and excitement that it makes you cry. Do it because they’re like spending time with your best friend.

I’ve never been in love, but I imagine that’s what it feels like when you know you’ve met “the one”.

Lately, I sometimes wonder if at this stage in life I’ve been alone so long, too long. I wouldn’t describe myself as lonely, but I do worry that I’m perhaps too selfish in the relationship sense. I love helping other people and spending time with them and it makes me think a relationship might actually get in the way of that. I think we place too much importance on everyone settling down as a definition of success in life when all most of us want is to find a way to feel accepted, to feel understood, whatever form that takes.

For me, the closest thing to true love I’ve experienced is that of developing and making a film. It’s like having a wonderful relationship and building a family only to produce a beautiful creative baby at the end of it. The best part of that being that you can reunite the family every time you want to make another one, and there’s no limit on how many babies you make (well, apart from the financial limitations in some cases).

I place the same importance on one of my films having a screening, which is still a relatively rare event, as I do on a friend having a birthday party for their children which I often make a concerted effort to attend. Others may not see it that way, but I always will.

That’s because I am in love with cinema, I am in love with filmmaking. I cannot imagine my life without it. The thought of getting to spend the rest of my life making films for a living is enough to excite me to tears. Other people may try to hurt me or say horrible things to discourage me, but a film gives you back the same amount of love you put into it. The blank page is my best friend and is always there for me when I need it any time of the day or night. So for now, filmmaking is my Valentine, filmmaking is the great love of my life.

“If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on” ~ Steve Jobs