Before the balls drop
By Jacqui Stanford
8th September 2011 - 02:27 pm
We can tell from the social media world that some of you couldn't give a toss about the Rugby World Cup, and we are here to increase your pain as we jump on the bandwagon with our unofficial, unreliable, uncensored and probably offensive gay guide to the Rugby World Cup.
Number One: There are three types of rugby players
(Left) The Gareth Thomas – well he isn’t actually a type, he is one-of-a-kind; the only professional rugby player to ever come out. Sadly you won’t get to see him in action in the Rugby World Cup, as the Welsh hard man now plays rugby league.
(Centre) The Ben Cohen – the stunning recently retired Englishman is straight, but has become a gay icon thanks to his open-mindedness when he played, and his amazing, admirable post-retirement focus on fighting homophobia with the Ben Cohen StandUp Foundation. If only all straight men were like Ben!
(Right) The Richard Kahui – Sadly from our experience growing up in New Zealand, this is probably the majority of rugby players we’ve dealt with. Yup, they’re all man on the field, but no, they’re not man enough to kiss another guy on the cheek, even in jest. As a wise protestor once wrote: What are you so afraid of?!
Number two: rugby players can be cast into stereotypical subgroups based purely on their appearance too
Two bears, one cub:
Number three: don’t get confused by the innuendo-filled lingo
"Ball handling" – good ball handling is a good thing, that’s an easy one which works both on and off the pitch.
|Good ball handling is encouraged|
"Box kick" – no there are not angry lesbians running amok on the field. This simply means the halfback (the short guy wearing number 9) has kicked the ball over the scrum into the space behind it.
"Breakdown" – a tow truck is not required, nor are tissues and a shoulder to cry on. The breakdown is where the ruck begins after a tackle. (Just nod and smile).
"Bust" –When a player makes a bust he is not getting ready for the after match drag show, he’s made it through the line of defence and is like Forrest Gump says, 'ruuuunnnniiiing!'
"Coming inside" - If you hear a commentator say ‘Woodcock has just come inside Hore,’ don’t get too excited, it just means the player in question has run a line that is ‘inside’ the player with the ball. In the same vein, if a player ‘goes down’ it means he is injured. So it’s not as good as it sounds.
"Converting" – as much as you’d probably like to convert a fair few of the men on the pitch, a conversion in rugby is when the kicker boots the ball over the posts after a try in the hope of adding two points to his team’s score.
"Drop kick" – not a dickhead you don’t like, but a way of kicking the ball where it hits the ground before your boot.
"Handing off" – a fend, not another term for a hand job.
"Home strip/away strip" – it’s what the player’s wear, sadly not a sign they are about to take it all off.
"Hooker" – wears number 2 and while he will be paid well for his services at international level, they are not of a sexual nature.
"Loose head and tight head" – this is about which side the big guys who were the numbers 1 and 3 are on at the front of the scrum, not whether they are tops or bottoms. I am picking they are both tops, but I could be wrong!
|Rugby is a game full of odd positions|
"Men to Burn" – this is as good as it sounds, it means the attacking player has plenty of men outside him ready to back him up.
"Not straight" – Sadly this does not mean the burly little man who just threw the ball over his head has come out, it just means he didn’t throw the ball into the line out (the thing where all the players line up nicely) straight.
"Splitting Them Wide Open" – ouch! Oh no it’s ok, it just means the attacking team has overcome the defence, which can happen when it thrusts up the middle.
"Tackle" – if you hear a commentator say 'nice tackle', it means a defensive player has hit the man with the ball to the ground well, not that he has … well you can figure that out for yourself.
"Quickie" – This is when the ball is thrown in from the touch line quickly.
"He just sprayed it right in front of the posts" – when a kicker misses a shot by a long mile.
"Use it or lose it" – while it could be considered wise advice in general life, in rugby if the maul stops moving forward the referee will often shout "use it or lose it" to the team in possession of the ball, which means they must pass the ball.
Is that all too much? Ok here are the utter basics to surviving being stuck watching a game during the Rugby World Cup:
There are backs and forwards, which are basically like tops and bottoms with a bit of versatility.
|Carter and McCaw are considered Gods among men|
Scoring is GOOD.
Dan Carter and Richie McCaw are GODS, Sonny Bill Williams may look like a God but he has a lot to prove.
Anyone who drop kicks the ball is a wanker, unless they are winning the game for the All Blacks (sub’s note: yes we are biased).
Even if you don’t understand scrums, rucks and mauls, 'wanna ruck?' is always a winning pick up line on a rugby fan.
You could also try, 'yeah sure, rugby's the most fun you can have with your clothes on … but you should see my tackle with my clothes off …'
If worse comes to worse just perve at the hot players, scream when they take their shirts off in the dressing rooms and shout 'kiss him!' during the rough and tumble. Make a game of it! It's fun! We promise!
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